Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize