three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
