I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
