get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
