Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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