Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
