I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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