i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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