apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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