Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
time to smoke my breakfast
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize