Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize