Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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