I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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