Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
