if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
