Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
