A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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