At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
