It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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