So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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