Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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