No I am not eating basil off your cock
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
