Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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