Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
