Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
