I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Randomize
