I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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