remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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