I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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