The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dick very happy bro
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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