So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
