She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
