You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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