I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
