He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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