So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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