He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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