got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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