I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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