So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
