the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
