Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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