Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
