Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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