ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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