just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
