I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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