STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
