Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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