i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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