I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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