He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
