He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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