A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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