Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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