He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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