I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
