I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
