Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
