I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
