Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
