So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
